Thoughts in the Fog

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Another online social network, same old scenario - don't fit in, disregarded, no matter what I do. Yes I interact with people on their posts and do the things I'm "supposed" to do. None of that matters and false assumptions remain intact.

I've had to struggle with not really being accepted and outright rejection both online and off. It's been a curse I've had to live with for over 7 years now. I haven't acquired any local friends, don't have extended family or anyone I can call if something happens to me. If my husband is out of town and I get injured or fall over dead, nobody is going to wonder if I'm ok unless my older sons are at home.

Just last week I discovered by accident that my youngest brother had died 4 months ago. Nobody in the family let me know. As always, I'm the unaccepted one in their family, always on the outside looking in. Learning of his death by stumbling across the obituary on the internet has been really quite painful on so many levels. Discovering this has triggered looming questions that come up over and over again. Questions like: "Why am I rejected?", "Why don't people want to get to know me?", "What am I doing that turns people off?"

So I try to find out the answers to the questions online at least, when I discover I've been unfriended, uncircled or unfollowed. If I get an answer at all, it's generally a hurtful one or vague responses that indicate they have no clue who I am, and furthermore, have no desire to find out. My efforts and interactions in the community are completely invisible.

Therefore, I grow weary and stop the efforts and struggles and shut down hopes to find friends or connections.  I stop in the fog and reflect on the questions that never have any clear answers.

A Little Rain And Just A Few More Yards - I Like To Be Clean And Wear Clean Clothes

I live in a 12x12 structure.........it is now my 'home'.

• I am used to flicking a switch to have a room illluminated and light to read by.
• I am used to going to the smallest room in the house and doing my business on a real  toilet.
• I am used to turning a faucet and having hot and cold water running out to fill the tub.
• I am used to fillilng a maching with detergent and getting my clothes clean.
• ............now I have to go 10 yards to the proper tree to answler the call of nature. And that is a real blast when it is raining , sleeting or lightning!
• I have a head lamp that I read by, and hope I have AAA batteries to last , because the dark is too dark.
• I rarely get to get my clothes clean, unless the friends schedule is the same as mine.
• To shower, well, I used to drop the tailgate on a '78 ford truck and take a tailgate shower
• This has been going on for 7yrs, I'm 57 and I don't think  llike camping anymore.

cheyenne thomas 

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Life As I Know It Is Over - I Have To Sell My Home And I Haven't A Job Or Car

 I have to sell my land and home...........no job since November and my car was given last rites in February. I am 57 and a viable human being and no one seems to want someone dependable. The last job enabled me to pay everything off (well working two jobs), but I was fired because I cleaned in a hospital and when I pointed out that the room others cleaned were not sanitized, after explaining to me that is as good as they clean (4yrs) and I needed to leave.

I don't have family here.........my only real friend lives in Rhode Island (since November). My daughter is in Germany in the Army and may go to Afghanistan.......the other in California and we haven't a relationship, well since she sent me a letter of ''Termination of Relationship''......hehehehee.

I am in a catch 22 situation, no car = no job = no car. So I have to sell my sweet home I suffered and sacrificed to pay off after kicking out my cheating scum husband. Sometimes I have a vision of going where he is.............well, that is another story.
So I am going to attempt to "Sell by Owner" without going with the company by the same name............they charge you bucks to big bucks.........I have no buck, hell I don't even have deer meat for dinner.

The market is for the buyer but I am determined to not let them cheat me.............I don't really Need to Live; life has not much to offer me. So I am going to try to squeeze every dime I can out of someone who will use a bank whose loans are low..........I need every dime I can get.

Then I will be in some small house with houses within feet from me. I am at the present, on four acres and I  don't feel the need to say 'Bless you' when they sneeze, because I don't hear them; it is hundreds of feet between me and the next human.
I don't know where to go.

I have never had visions of mansions, diamonds, fancy cars or European vacations, but I do want a place to have friends for dinner.

Okay let me be honest................I live in a 12x12 shed with windows, but no utilities. My double wide (1978 model) fell apart long before my husband left and the last 3yrs I lived breathing the real black mold, therefore the Church built me this shed. Now the HOA says I am in violation of the rules and it needs to go and the dbl wide needs to be torn down and the back 3 acres mowed. The guys who built the shed, had never built any building before...........it is not even 1 yr old and is already falling apart. They did not use screws only nails, so during the strong winds the nails are popping out and no bracing under the structure so the floor drops 3" in only 4'.

Since I don't have a job, I am under the mercy of acquaintances to bring me foods (most bring junk). I usually exist on Premium Saltine crackers, instant coffee and a friend brings me deer meat once in awhile. I do not qualify for food from the local food banks because, get this!, I do  not have a UTILITY bill!!!!!! Now that is hilarious.

I used to like camping, would choose that over a 5 star hotel...............I Think I am changing my mind. I have to sit on a chair and hold a jug over my head to bathe. And a 'latrine' is whatever tree I come to, closer to the shed if the weather is rotten. They built the shed close to the rotten garage, so the West window looks in the garage (no wind), the East window (blocked by Evergreen tree,no wind there) and the North window faces the pasture,, but the wind does not come from that direction often in the summer and there isn't a Southerly window; most Summer breezes come from that direction and would help warm up the ''Clubhouse'' in the winter. You see, they gave me 8' ceiling,but did not add insulation in the peaked area so it is almost impossible to heat in the winter (yes in Texas we do get cold winters, but at least I am not in somewhere to experience 40o below zero). I have a sofa bed, but storage is a challenge.

I hope to leave the realtor out of this deal, but forsee problems, no I am not a pessimist, just an optimist with experience. I will keep you posted when things happen AND PROVIDING I CAN GET TO A COMPUTER TO ADD TO THIS SITE.

Blessings on you and may you find a lot to laugh about,
cheyenne

2 Comments (add your own)

1. 

    

   Posted by wordsforliving on Aug 10th, 2010 at 12:29AM

   I'm so sorry... you so deserve better. {{hugs}}

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2. 

    

   Posted by cheysghost on Aug 10th, 2010 at 12:42AM

   Once I thought I did and then as more time went by, I guessed I didn't. I have faith. And they say patience is dealing with hardships.............and God's time is not our time.........I guess he doesn't realize mine is running out.......but He knows everything.
   But I have a few good days now, I have the loan of a generator, a small a/c and some ice. For the first time in 7 yrs I have the normal comforts of being cool instead of waking up sweaty, after finally falling asleep at 3:30am and my dogs (my closest Friends) get to sleep inside the 12x12 shack with me and that makes us all happy.

   Thank you for taking the time to not only read, but respond, you are kindness personified.
   Blessings upon you and your house.
   On the lighter side, read, '''But I thought...." or "Officer I swear..."

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The Misfit

I'm a misfit.  For a long time I thought my sense of being out of place and excluded from the norm was rare or at least very unusual.  Not anymore.  I've come to realize that a large part of the population of the world feel that they are misfits for one reason or another.

Does this describe you?

misfit |ˈmisˌfit|
noun
a person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortably conspicuous way : a motley collection of social misfits.
• archaic something that does not fit or that fits badly.

Thesaurus   
misfit
noun
they prided themselves on being the class misfits nonconformist, eccentric, maverick, individualist, square peg in a round hole; informal oddball, odd duck, weirdo, freak, screwball.

This is the mission of this blog:  To give us misfits a voice and sense of belonging.  My hope is that many will feel included and normal as stories, experiences and comments are shared.